My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize