Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
We have started to decorate penises.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
