There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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