I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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