i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
