i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
