I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize