next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
