I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
