we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
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