She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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