Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
