Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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