i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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