ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
