dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
