Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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