my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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