If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
ugly people sure do ruin things
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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