She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
