You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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