I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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