I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
