So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
just found out that she named her cat after me.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
