Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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