I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
