it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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