Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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