But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize