i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
No I am not eating basil off your cock
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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