Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
