Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
