she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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