saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
