I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
