The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
