I got chris browned last night
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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