just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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