i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
