I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
