Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
