Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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