This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
