i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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