I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
