dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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