yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just come out here and I will go home with you...
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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