I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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