I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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