Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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