I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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