70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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