people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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