I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
