Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
