I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
