i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
