why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
false alarm. still invincible.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
